Letting Your Child Go: Giving Your Child Confidence:
Many people talk about the importance of children’s attachment to their mother and attachment to other important people in their life. As children mature it is also important that they learn how to separate from the people they feel safe with, without fear. This is important in the early years as children approach school age. The first visit of a young child to the school classroom is often filled with tears as they watch their mothers leave.
In their teen years it is also important to be able to separate from parents without fear. What peers think of them become vitally important. If they are able to balance the attachment to both family and peers without too much tension, then anxiety will be less.
How can parents find ways in which to let their child practice separating from them safely? In the park we make sure our children do not run away too far. We do not let them talk to strangers. When we meet new people our young ones often hide behind us. If we can help young children feel safe in their relationship with a parent then they find it easier to also make friends and relationships with other people.
How can you help your child to feel confident?
Be consistent: Let your child explore new things. You are your child’s protector. You can help make the environment safe without being too over protective. Be careful not to be inconsistent. You cannot encourage one moment and then withdraw that encouragement or permission to give things a go the next. Let your children hear why you have made a decision. Your child needs to be able to predict how you will react. If your child does not feel secure he may become extra clingy or react in an angry manner, or begin to avoid the parent’s offer of help or become secretive in what they do. Use a lot of safe signals, e.g. Catch your child’s eye and nod with a smile; say something comforting; use a word or a hand signal that you both know means you approve.
Allow safe risks: When a parent takes the opportunity to do many things along side their child, they find that there is a growing understanding of one another’s feelings and needs. This is important well before the toddler stage. Fathers and mothers, who have early regular contact from the baby stage on, begin a bonding process that grows and gets stronger as the child grows. Children become confident with their parents. It is this intimate bond and understanding that gives children the confidence to push their exploration a little further, e.g. to climb higher up the ladder with Dad or Mum watching, or to travel down the steep hill on the tricycle.
Model discussion and informed good choices. Do not allow disagreement to become an angry argument. Instead let your child know you are having an informed discussion. Let your child know that you value sharing a difference of opinion. Sharing opinions and discussion leads to making a good and informed choice. Anger does not help us make good choices. Do not get involved in angry exchanges.
Through play and activities in the home, parents can help a child develop a strong sense of self. They can also develop an understanding of what other people feel or need. It is this understanding of self and others that helps to develop independence and the confidence to face the world alone.
