Parents can lose it!

Are you sometimes pushed to the limit by your child? Are there moments when you suddenly yell at your child or grab at the toy being played with and unfairly put it away? 

• The noise it too great:  
• Sibling squabbling is out of hand:  
• The child is whining and unresponsive to most suggestions.
• You are tired or angry for other reasons

However much a parent loves a child, there are days when the most loving parent is pushed to the edge. Every parent has moments of exasperation and a loss of normal composure. Don’t sweat it!

Practicing restraint and dealing with the occasions of losing it!

It is within family relationships that children first learn restraint and its partner, respect for others needs.

For the most part, parents do practice restraint.  Unexpectedly, and sometimes even out of character, parents continue to remain calm and flexible in the chaos of family living.  Parents do attend to the needs of their child. Such restraint is actually borne of love, selflessness and an understanding of the other person. 

It is nevertheless normal and can even be beneficial to have those moments of outburst and “emotional or exaggerated” reaction to something that has happened or been said.  It is usually the smallest action that suddenly pushes a parent over the edge. Perhaps one child pushes the other once too often; a pan lid falls off the table and makes a clatter; the child comes out with a towel that has been neatly folded away instead of using the one in the bathroom; and so on. At the moment of yelling, the parent probably knows that this is an over-reaction. Nevertheless the explosion takes place! Such an outburst it then often accompanied by a series of reactions that upon reflection seem to have been quite out of proportion.  

You can use this is an opportunity to let children understand that everyone needs to learn how to control emotions and behaviours. Adults too learn this just like children. This is a perfect opportunity to model some skills that you would like your children to also practise.

• Admit   that sometimes parents can make wrong choices.
• Model an apology when warranted,
• Explain how your reactions were not the best in a given situation.
• Admit to  being overtired, angry, jealous or some other such passion,
• Demonstrate how to reflect on choices of behaviour and reactions.
• Reflect aloud on better reactions you could have had.
• Find some solutions. e.g.  If you exploded because you were over tired or sick then perhaps you require a relaxation time in which everyone takes part.
• Discuss how this lack of restraint or emotional outburst has had bad consequences for you and for others around.

After such an outburst parents often feel guilty. The might now try to “compensate” by doing something “special” with the child. Sometimes the mood deteriorates into one of blame. The parent tells the child they are foolish or stupid. Suddenly things are being said that can only destroy the child’s sense of self esteem and certainly drives a negative emotional wedge between parent and child.  Alternatively parents start to model excuses. “Your father should have been home by now to help. I have to do it all.”  “I told you not to play with those things at the table.” Etc 

• Do not make excuses. Accept responsibility for the outburst.
• DO not blame the children. They have probably made as much noise at another time.
• DO not suddenly punish them for things that would normally have been acceptable.
• Do not promise everyone a game or special event to make up for the outburst.

When you model negative thinking and excuses then that is what your child will model back later. “It was not my fault Mummy. He was mean to me first.” Or “You are a nasty Mummy. You let him play with it and not me”.  “I’m sorry Daddy. I’ll kiss you better. I promise to be a good girl now.” 

Parents should take the opportunity to put a positive slant on any outbursts of emotion. Children will model this. They will learn to face up responsibly and with confidence to their action. They will learn how to say sorry and take the consequence.

In the heat of the moment, parents however often miss this opportunity. Children will then model the more negative aspects of their parent’s strategies. They will tend to :-

• Use anger as a buffet against possible parental retribution.
• Use blame to deflect the focus away from themselves.
• Try to please through manipulative hugs and kisses.
• Cry in despair and deflect the action, “I’m tired!” “I have a sore tummy”.
• Lie about what they have done.

It is inevitable that even the most rational parent will fly off the handle from time to time. It is how a parent reacts to this occurrence that will impact upon the character and emotional growth of their child.  A positive emphasis can bring understanding that is effective and reassuring. Such an outburst will not destroy the confidence of a child.   We all need to be able to respond to both rational and irrational behaviour without feeling inadequate or threatened.

©Copyright R. Hillen “A World of Play” 2009   www.aworldofplay.com