The ‘terrible twos’ or the toddler tantrum is well known to most parents. As the young child develops, restraint is a hard habit to acquire and to demonstrate regularly. Every parent has experienced that moment when their child ‘falls over the edge!’  It is how adults react to such emotional outbursts that will help a child develop restraint and better regulate their emotions.

• Young children want their needs satisfied ‘now’; their tears dried ‘now’; an argument over toys or a disappointment to be fixed ‘now’; their activity of choice to take precedence over household chores or other family preparations!
• When parents chat to a visitor, children cannot restrain themselves from interrupting even when being asked to wait.
• Children may react quite differently with a stranger or baby sitter present than during the predicable routines of the day with a parent. Intense anxieties may see a child react without thought or physical restraint. The normally happy child now reacts aggressively, sullenly or dissolves into emotional tears.
• When the day is less predictable, a child finds restraint even more difficult to summon.

There are many things in the normal day to day family life that will suddenly make the day less predictable. Thus we find

The child displays a sudden tantrum over something seemingly nonsensical, such as a tiny bit of apple peel left on the apple:

The child appears aggressive and non- sharing with a little friend when a moment before they played in harmony.

The child is laughing and suddenly converts to a tearful breakdown.

Anxieties and loss of control are certainly heightened when children are tired, or when they find themselves in a new or strange situation. In both situations the normal anchor of safety is not so firmly secured for the child. They will certainly need the support of a parent. They will also need to accept responsibility for their action. So if they miss out on something because of the tantrum, then so be it. 

 Nevertheless, as children are given the opportunity to practice restraint, they do learn to wait their turn, defer to others and to hold their emotions more regularly in check.

It is important to allow and support our children to ‘practise restraint’ in a number of different settings. Children require lots of opportunities to learn restraint and respect. On the journey they may often disappoint themselves or feel angry at how things have turned out. They might also be very aware of having disappointed or upset their parent. It is meeting change and challenge successfully (and without crushing rebuke or blame) that brings new confidences to the child. Children do begin to understand and find self control.

How can a parent support a child to learn restraint?

Do not be over protective

There is always a nexus between parenting to protect the child and parenting to allow experiences that will give the child an opportunity to meet risk or challenge successfully. We hate to think our children may be hurt or feel unhappy. Such feelings are usually transient and not a life time blow.  

Support the development of friendships, including the disagreements

Friendships are not always easy. Disagreements are par for the course. One certainly does not need to protect a child from normal disagreement between siblings or friends. Maintaining everyday relationships or friendships, rest on your child’s ability to bond flexibly with others. Positive relationships are built on being able to communicate positively, to problem solve and find alternative solutions and the ability to demonstrate restraint. These should first be modeled and supported at home.

Do not be afraid to intervene, dictate boundaries of behaviour and follow through.

Pulling a toy from a friend because the child wants it now and is unwilling to wait or share ends in argument and tears. Parent suggestions of taking turns or offering another toy may not necessarily work. A parent might at this stage of non compliance have to remove the child from play for a few minutes. This can be done firmly and lovingly.  DO not let the tears weaken parent resolve or make you angry. It is important to continue to renegotiate alternatives calmly and objectively and when all fails it may be necessary to end the period of play. It is then important to revisit later without blame what might have been better choices or ways to show restraint.

Model and teach how to be positively reflective and aware of how one acted.

Help your child to stop and reflect upon the way they behaved or tackled a problem and the impact it has had on how they feel and how others reacted. Reflect upon the good reactions as well as the ones that have gone wrong. Allow children to understand that expectations of how we behave can differ depending who we are with. The amount of restraint required in different formal and informal settings does indeed vary.  Thus we might allow a child to lie on the floor and cry or scream in disappointment at home, but this is not so acceptable on the floor of a supermarket. Positive reflection is not the opportunity for a blaming or punishing session. Allow them to meet these challenges without negative comment.

Make good choices and thinking about how people react, a habit.

How we experience the events in our world, and our reactions to them, become habitual. Learning how to regulate ones feelings and inhibit negative reactions is a natural part of development. One does not expect the very young child to be able to hold their emotions. It is normal to seek the support of a parent, become over excited, to cry or to have a tantrum.

Nevertheless, even the young child needs to develop a sense of self reflection and be allowed to suffer the consequences of choice. Choices should not always be dominated, and controlled by adult thinking or the consequences softened by the parent. Children must learn to take responsibility for their own choices and actions. A child will not be ruined for life by being momentarily unhappy.

Children will meet a new set of stresses when beginning school. They have to meet the pressure of peer differences and friendships. In order to cope they will pull at the edges of the good or bad habits and responses they have learned at home.  Parents will be responsible in part for those habits.

©Copyright R. Hillen “A World of Play” 2009   www.aworldofplay.com