Find an hour daily to ensure your child feels the intimacy and safety of a shared relationship with you. What happens today influences tomorrow.
The child needs an adult to help make sense of their world
The complexities of modern life make a child’s world today quite different from that of 20 or even 10 years ago. There is a great deal of pressure to acquire material goods and toys for our children; Technology including TV and DVD lulls the passive participant and becomes a substitute for active games in the park or parent conversation. Indeed, at times, many programs are well beyond the capacity of the young child to put into perspective without an adult by their side and so they develop quite misguided understandings of the world around them. Children are wooed by sexualized goods and television advertisements, which are so often way beyond their understanding. The information world is massive and children cannot actually sort out what is rational. They need fantasy, but to really appreciate fantasy, it is important to also have a grip of what is real.
Building positive relationships involves time spent together.
The key ingredient in any relationship is time and how it is spent. It is not necessarily the amount of time spent but the quality of time spent. Mind you, children will rate an adult’s sincerity or love for them by the amount of TIME the adult is willing to devote.
The certainty in a child’s mind that Dad will stop reading for a minute to answer a question is probably as significant to the child as the big organized trip out to the park whilst Mum gets a break. Children love the undivided attention of a parent in play. To me the construct of TIME involves the person being there, not necessarily constantly but rather consistently, and with involvement. I believe that the less time parents spend with their kids definitely alters the direction of their life. It definitely alters the positive relationship that could be there in later adolescence.
Family and extended family and friends support growth and understanding
Family and extended family are the most important group to mentor the young child. As the child grows towards adolescents, new groups will become important but what is sung in the cradle will last a lifetime. What happens, and relationships made, in early years are key ingredients in supporting later resilience and social under-standing.
Human intimacy and connections are keys to later relationships. Interactive computer games and DVD are not a substitute for the intimacy and physical contacts a child can make with their parents. The parent is the child’s mentor, role model and safe anchor.
Fathers as well as Mothers are really important in the building of relationships and social understanding. It is not only the parents who are key. Children also need extended family and other significant people to play and be the sounding board for ideas.
Give your Child permission to remain a child and not become a “mini adult.”
Young children are meant to be children. Dressing up and pretending to be adults is certainly worthwhile. They do not however need to try on high heels that fit, buy dresses with fake busts or bikinis that emulate those of adult models. They need to wear parent’s shoes that are too big for them, dresses that deliver the fantasy of adulthood but not the reality of a false adulthood. The very fact that such clothes are seen as something that they can grow into when they are older allows them to appreciate their youngness, their difference and their place in the natural progression of human development. . They are not their mothers or fathers.
One should not under-estimate the ability of children. They can problem solve like an adult. They can be trusted to do things independently. They can participate in adult games. They do however need to be allowed to enjoy and develop children’s interests. They need to play and enjoy childish games right into adulthood and beyond. Do not hasten their passage into adolescence and adulthood too prematurely.
Plan for Time
How much time are you willing to spend with your children? Are you involved in your children’s world beyond the necessities of cooking a meal or get them up and dressed in the morning and settled for bed at night? The more a parent is around a child the more likely they are to gain real knowledge of how the child thinks and vice versa. It is often during incidental or unstructured times that a child shares or most benefits from Parent modeling.
So how does one find time with our kids in a world where there is pressure to work, to be involved in social networks and after a days work looking forward to a quiet time of relaxation.
Yet most of us organize or plan ahead time needed for work, or shopping or getting the children to school. Should we not also be able to work out when we will have special time with our children and what we will do with them? The family meal used to be an important centre-piece of family life. Now Dad or Mum is often absent remaining late at work, Children often eat at a table without an adult present whilst a parent catches up with other chores, or worse still they eat in front of the TV. Yet we know that conversations at the table- on the way to bed- going out to the park, etc. are precious, and so often, the only time when children feel the safety of adult intimacy. It is at these times they are able to let their parent know something they are feeling or something that happened.
There are so many ways to steal an hour from your day if you really think it worthwhile. If your children knew that there was an absolute sacrosanct “children’s hour” just for them in every day I am sure they would not only feel valued in the family home, but the benefits of the developing relationship and family fun in that time would last a lifetime. It would be a legacy that will be remembered long after they have left the parental home. For the parent who cannot be home often or the parents who are divorced and live in two households, it is also important to commit to a sacrosanct and committed time. A working parent may be home in time to read the bedtime story, or can ensure the telephone call where the parent actually has a few things to tell and is not limited to mundane “And how was your day today” and being satisfied with the standard reply, “Good.” The reliability of a call is good but one can also plan for excitement- a reason for children to stop what they are doing to be with you on the call.
Of course young children will test their boundaries while parents play with them or offer activities: They will often fight to do things their way and in many subtle ways they continue to put the pressure on their parents. (I don’t want to speak on the phone. I have nothing to say!”) Some children will be timid non-risk takers and seek adult guidance at every activity- others will test your patience by insisting on trying everything their own way without parent guidance or a real understanding of the issues.
Parents should remind themselves that spending an hour is not about forcing their child to do things their way. Helping a child develop resilience is not about making your child compliant but rather supporting them to frame their own opinions strengthened by your discussion.
Make finding time to be with your child as important as completing a work assignment, or finishing household tasks or planning the next holiday, What happens in your household today will be an influence that stays with your child long after the day is completed.
