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The ‘terrible twos’ or the toddler tantrum is well known to most parents. As the young child develops, restraint is a hard habit to acquire and to demonstrate regularly. Every parent has experienced that moment when their child ‘falls over the edge!’  It is how adults react to such emotional outbursts that will help a child develop restraint and better regulate their emotions.

• Young children want their needs satisfied ‘now’; their tears dried ‘now’; an argument over toys or a disappointment to be fixed ‘now’; their activity of choice to take precedence over household chores or other family preparations!
• When parents chat to a visitor, children cannot restrain themselves from interrupting even when being asked to wait.
• Children may react quite differently with a stranger or baby sitter present than during the predicable routines of the day with a parent. Intense anxieties may see a child react without thought or physical restraint. The normally happy child now reacts aggressively, sullenly or dissolves into emotional tears.
• When the day is less predictable, a child finds restraint even more difficult to summon.

 

There are many things in the normal day to day family life that will suddenly make the day less predictable. Thus we find

The child displays a sudden tantrum over something seemingly nonsensical, such as a tiny bit of apple peel left on the apple:

The child appears aggressive and non- sharing with a little friend when a moment before they played in harmony.

The child is laughing and suddenly converts to a tearful breakdown.

Anxieties and loss of control are certainly heightened when children are tired, or when they find themselves in a new or strange situation. In both situations the normal anchor of safety is not so firmly secured for the child. They will certainly need the support of a parent. They will also need to accept responsibility for their action. So if they miss out on something because of the tantrum, then so be it. 

 Nevertheless, as children are given the opportunity to practice restraint, they do learn to wait their turn, defer to others and to hold their emotions more regularly in check.

It is important to allow and support our children to ‘practise restraint’ in a number of different settings. Children require lots of opportunities to learn restraint and respect. On the journey they may often disappoint themselves or feel angry at how things have turned out. They might also be very aware of having disappointed or upset their parent. It is meeting change and challenge successfully (and without crushing rebuke or blame) that brings new confidences to the child. Children do begin to understand and find self control.

How can a parent support a child to learn restraint?

Do not be over protective

There is always a nexus between parenting to protect the child and parenting to allow experiences that will give the child an opportunity to meet risk or challenge successfully. We hate to think our children may be hurt or feel unhappy. Such feelings are usually transient and not a life time blow.  

Support the development of friendships, including the disagreements

Friendships are not always easy. Disagreements are par for the course. One certainly does not need to protect a child from normal disagreement between siblings or friends. Maintaining everyday relationships or friendships, rest on your child’s ability to bond flexibly with others. Positive relationships are built on being able to communicate positively, to problem solve and find alternative solutions and the ability to demonstrate restraint. These should first be modeled and supported at home.

Do not be afraid to intervene, dictate boundaries of behaviour and follow through.

Pulling a toy from a friend because the child wants it now and is unwilling to wait or share ends in argument and tears. Parent suggestions of taking turns or offering another toy may not necessarily work. A parent might at this stage of non compliance have to remove the child from play for a few minutes. This can be done firmly and lovingly.  DO not let the tears weaken parent resolve or make you angry. It is important to continue to renegotiate alternatives calmly and objectively and when all fails it may be necessary to end the period of play. It is then important to revisit later without blame what might have been better choices or ways to show restraint.

Model and teach how to be positively reflective and aware of how one acted.

Help your child to stop and reflect upon the way they behaved or tackled a problem and the impact it has had on how they feel and how others reacted. Reflect upon the good reactions as well as the ones that have gone wrong. Allow children to understand that expectations of how we behave can differ depending who we are with. The amount of restraint required in different formal and informal settings does indeed vary.  Thus we might allow a child to lie on the floor and cry or scream in disappointment at home, but this is not so acceptable on the floor of a supermarket. Positive reflection is not the opportunity for a blaming or punishing session. Allow them to meet these challenges without negative comment.

Make good choices and thinking about how people react, a habit.

How we experience the events in our world, and our reactions to them, become habitual. Learning how to regulate ones feelings and inhibit negative reactions is a natural part of development. One does not expect the very young child to be able to hold their emotions. It is normal to seek the support of a parent, become over excited, to cry or to have a tantrum.

Nevertheless, even the young child needs to develop a sense of self reflection and be allowed to suffer the consequences of choice. Choices should not always be dominated, and controlled by adult thinking or the consequences softened by the parent. Children must learn to take responsibility for their own choices and actions. A child will not be ruined for life by being momentarily unhappy.

Children will meet a new set of stresses when beginning school. They have to meet the pressure of peer differences and friendships. In order to cope they will pull at the edges of the good or bad habits and responses they have learned at home.  Parents will be responsible in part for those habits.

 

©Copyright R. Hillen “A World of Play” 2009   www.aworldofplay.com

Parents can lose it!

Are you sometimes pushed to the limit by your child? Are there moments when you suddenly yell at your child or grab at the toy being played with and unfairly put it away? 

• The noise it too great:  
• Sibling squabbling is out of hand:  
• The child is whining and unresponsive to most suggestions.
• You are tired or angry for other reasons

However much a parent loves a child, there are days when the most loving parent is pushed to the edge. Every parent has moments of exasperation and a loss of normal composure. Don’t sweat it!

Practicing restraint and dealing with the occasions of losing it!

It is within family relationships that children first learn restraint and its partner, respect for others needs.

For the most part, parents do practice restraint.  Unexpectedly, and sometimes even out of character, parents continue to remain calm and flexible in the chaos of family living.  Parents do attend to the needs of their child. Such restraint is actually borne of love, selflessness and an understanding of the other person. 

It is nevertheless normal and can even be beneficial to have those moments of outburst and “emotional or exaggerated” reaction to something that has happened or been said.  It is usually the smallest action that suddenly pushes a parent over the edge. Perhaps one child pushes the other once too often; a pan lid falls off the table and makes a clatter; the child comes out with a towel that has been neatly folded away instead of using the one in the bathroom; and so on. At the moment of yelling, the parent probably knows that this is an over-reaction. Nevertheless the explosion takes place! Such an outburst it then often accompanied by a series of reactions that upon reflection seem to have been quite out of proportion.  

You can use this is an opportunity to let children understand that everyone needs to learn how to control emotions and behaviours. Adults too learn this just like children. This is a perfect opportunity to model some skills that you would like your children to also practise.

• Admit   that sometimes parents can make wrong choices.
• Model an apology when warranted,
• Explain how your reactions were not the best in a given situation.
• Admit to  being overtired, angry, jealous or some other such passion,
• Demonstrate how to reflect on choices of behaviour and reactions.
• Reflect aloud on better reactions you could have had.
• Find some solutions. e.g.  If you exploded because you were over tired or sick then perhaps you require a relaxation time in which everyone takes part.
• Discuss how this lack of restraint or emotional outburst has had bad consequences for you and for others around.

After such an outburst parents often feel guilty. The might now try to “compensate” by doing something “special” with the child. Sometimes the mood deteriorates into one of blame. The parent tells the child they are foolish or stupid. Suddenly things are being said that can only destroy the child’s sense of self esteem and certainly drives a negative emotional wedge between parent and child.  Alternatively parents start to model excuses. “Your father should have been home by now to help. I have to do it all.”  “I told you not to play with those things at the table.” Etc 

• Do not make excuses. Accept responsibility for the outburst.
• DO not blame the children. They have probably made as much noise at another time.
• DO not suddenly punish them for things that would normally have been acceptable.
• Do not promise everyone a game or special event to make up for the outburst.

When you model negative thinking and excuses then that is what your child will model back later. “It was not my fault Mummy. He was mean to me first.” Or “You are a nasty Mummy. You let him play with it and not me”.  “I’m sorry Daddy. I’ll kiss you better. I promise to be a good girl now.” 

Parents should take the opportunity to put a positive slant on any outbursts of emotion. Children will model this. They will learn to face up responsibly and with confidence to their action. They will learn how to say sorry and take the consequence.

In the heat of the moment, parents however often miss this opportunity. Children will then model the more negative aspects of their parent’s strategies. They will tend to :-

• Use anger as a buffet against possible parental retribution.
• Use blame to deflect the focus away from themselves.
• Try to please through manipulative hugs and kisses.
• Cry in despair and deflect the action, “I’m tired!” “I have a sore tummy”.
• Lie about what they have done.

It is inevitable that even the most rational parent will fly off the handle from time to time. It is how a parent reacts to this occurrence that will impact upon the character and emotional growth of their child.  A positive emphasis can bring understanding that is effective and reassuring. Such an outburst will not destroy the confidence of a child.   We all need to be able to respond to both rational and irrational behaviour without feeling inadequate or threatened.

 

©Copyright R. Hillen “A World of Play” 2009   www.aworldofplay.com

Letting Your Child Go: Giving Your Child Confidence:

Many people talk about the importance of children’s attachment to their mother and attachment to other important people in their life. As children mature it is also important that they learn how to separate from the people they feel safe with, without fear. This is important in the early years as children approach school age. The first visit of a young child to the school classroom is often filled with tears as they watch their mothers leave.

In their teen years it is also important to be able to separate from parents without fear. What peers think of them become vitally important. If they are able to balance the attachment to both family and peers without too much tension, then anxiety will be less. 

 

How can parents find ways in which to let their child practice separating from them safely? In the park we make sure our children do not run away too far. We do not let them talk to strangers. When we meet new people our young ones often hide behind us. If we can help young children feel safe in their relationship with a parent then they find it easier to also make friends and relationships with other people.

 

 

How can you help your child to feel confident?

 Be consistent: Let your child explore new things. You are your child’s protector. You can help make the environment safe without being too over protective. Be careful not to be inconsistent. You cannot encourage one moment and then withdraw that encouragement or permission to give things a go the next. Let your children hear why you have made a decision. Your child needs to be able to predict how you will react. If your child does not feel secure he may become extra clingy or react in an angry manner, or begin to avoid the parent’s offer of help or become secretive in what they do. Use a lot of safe signals, e.g. Catch your child’s eye and nod with a smile; say something comforting; use a word or a hand signal that you both know means you approve.

 

Allow safe risks:  When a parent takes the opportunity to do many things along side their child, they find that there is a growing understanding of one another’s feelings and needs. This is important well before the toddler stage. Fathers and mothers, who have early regular contact from the baby stage on, begin a bonding process that grows and gets stronger as the child grows. Children become confident with their parents. It is this intimate bond and understanding that gives children the confidence to push their exploration a little further, e.g. to climb higher up the ladder with Dad or Mum watching, or to travel down the steep hill on the tricycle.

 

Model discussion and informed good choices. Do not allow disagreement to become an angry argument. Instead let your child know you are having an informed discussion. Let your child know that you value sharing a difference of opinion. Sharing opinions and discussion leads to making a good and informed choice. Anger does not help us make good choices. Do not get involved in angry exchanges.

 

Through play and activities in the home, parents can help a child develop a strong sense of self. They can also develop an understanding of what other people feel or need. It is this understanding of self and others that helps to develop independence and the confidence to face the world alone.

Hey!  

• Do you know what lies ahead for your child?
• Are you confident that what you are doing now is the support that will ensure success?
• Do you even know what you mean by “success” for your child?

Many parents say things like, I just want my child, -“to be happy and well adjusted” or “To be able to take a worthwhile place in life” or “To be sensitive to others and kind” or “ To do the best he/she can”  or “To contribute to a better world” These are all worthwhile goals. They are however, “VERY BIG” general statements which are hard to break down into manageable steps that one can deliberately support. Instead we all just tend to hope for the best.

What things do you want for your child?  What will you do to help your child achieve any of these?

Bringing up our children seems both the easiest and yet the most difficult and daunting thing we will ever be asked to do. We cannot even second guess what sort of future will be offered to them or created by them in our changing world. Their life is no longer the immediate landscape or local community environment that it used to be for people my age. Many children have already moved house several times, visited many countries and most certainly viewed an expanded world through the lens of video or television.

It is scary to think of how important our role as a parent is. In growing towards independence, young children are hugely dependent on parental guidance and extended social systems for support. Their healthy future relies on the positive interactions and modelling of people around them. The ability to gain confidence, to be flexible in their achievements and to have insight into the character and personality they develop in childhood is the basis of their well being. Some children will rise way beyond what they thought they could ever be and some will feel challenged or disappointed by their world. Every parent would like the rising star to be theirs! Yet from that first moment of birth which takes the breath away with wonder, your child is indeed a shining star. You believe you will do anything to help it soar.

Much is said about the power of books and story telling. Many families now see the value of reading to their child from the moment of birth. Certainly children learn by listening. Equally, children learn by doing.

Between birth and the age of 4 a child has observed and practiced and acquired an amazing repertoire of skills. From babble to a vocabulary of over 1500 words, from attention seeking cry to complex sentence forms and questioning, from complete dependence to playing cooperatively with others, from awkward or jerky   limb and body movement to skilled and deliberate manipulation of the body and the ability to copy shapes, from observation and internalisation of the world around to a beginning cognition that allows them to manipulate and make sense of what is happening. 

Creative games, fun activities, drama, music dance are all partners in allowing children the opportunity to explore language, to evaluate their skills against others, to become cooperative and competent social players, and to be sensitive to their own feelings and characteristics.
In every-day play children are confronted by choices and problems to solve. With the safety of a trusted parent or relative by their side they have the opportunity to explore issues and form opinions. They take responsibility. If they can do this in a positive way and resolve any barriers or conflicts they meet while playing, then they are certainly on a positive learning journey.

What you play can have a positive influence on your child’s development. Certainly a child can manage their own activity a large part of the time. They can be absorbed in a television show or video for many hours.  Nevertheless nothing beats the interaction of a child and adult in play. When a parent or significant other adult takes part in the game then many new dimensions are possible for the child.  Clearly there is the opportunity for early language acquisition. Children learn how to bond positively through trusted and safe relationships. Having sound attachment to both parents allows growing independence and the beginning of social competence.  Building social capital is essential to being able to maintain friendships without resorting to underhand manipulations, bribery or bullying. The opportunity to test relationships and clarify values and rules is more safely practiced in play.

In every-day play children are confronted by choices and problems to solve. With the safety of a trusted parent or relative by their side they have the opportunity to explore issues and form opinions. They take responsibility. If they can do this in a positive way and resolve any barriers or conflicts they meet while playing, then they are certainly on a positive learning journey.

There can be nothing more affirming for a child than to develop a sense of solidarity with the family and yet the ability to be different. If your play sessions are targeted and flexible you help your children to manage themselves as little people capable of making decisions and problem solving. They are able to drive a game in many different directions.  Children do not easily work cooperatively in a group. Playing with one significant and safe person is the beginning of small group play.  In this small group of two,   however, the adult can ensure the practice of cooperative learning in a safe and responsive way.

Fun and learning is the best perspective of doing things. Play allows you to discuss the most serious of matters in a light manner but still mange to get the seriousness or gravity of it understood.

The gestures and friendship signals that you are able to give your child ensures trust and confidence.

Clarifying and erasing doubts, experiencing warmth and feeling connected are the best nutrients a child can get. You can give it.